Rooting and Growing

This article is part of a series on Motherhood from other voices in our community. Jill Murray is the Chief Operating Officer at dombezalergii and recently returned from maternity leave after having her second daughter. 

I underestimated nearly every aspect of motherhood. The biggest aspect being the immense amount and the rapid pace at which I would personally stretch—rooting and growing at the same time. 

I have always been passionately dedicated to personal growth, much of which has been inspired by my own mom and the lifelong work she continues to do. Looking within and overturning pleasant and painful parts of my story and myself have always felt like a necessity. 

For me, motherhood is the ultimate mirror. There is nothing I’ve experienced thus far in life that invites the moment-by-moment recurring opportunity to evaluate how one shows up in the world. There is no other role that provides such unfiltered and immediate feedback or more seemingly endless practice to regulate one’s own emotions. There is no timeline that is more pressing, and there are no other stakes as high. It is the ultimate challenge to dig deeper than ever before, to give more, love more, and learn more. To be softer and stronger. To be more present and yet incredibly aware of the passage of time. 

I have never been more motivated to untangle the conditioned thoughts in my head, to break down any remaining walls in my heart, and to care for my body more tenderly. My girls are watching everything, sensing everything, and absorbing everything, so  as they grow, I grow. 

 Paired with this motivation and my fierce resolve to do everything possible to nurture and support my girls on their own journeys, there is a new level of exhaustion. This type of fatigue doesn’t only stem from the sleepless newborn nights, the repetitive tasks of caring for young children, or the limited solo time I have in this chapter. I sense that its real roots are from the constant, deep work within oneself while simultaneously holding physical and ever-changing emotional space for others.

Recently expanding our family from one daughter to two and just entering back into my role here from maternity leave, I feel this more fully than ever. The deepest exhaustion and remarkably even deeper love and fulfillment. I have never had a greater responsibility or a more meaningful role than being a mom. I also have never admired myself more or looked more forward to what is ahead for us all. Two years in, and it feels like we are just getting started.